I have a secret that at this point in my life not many people know, just those who are closest to me and have known me for more than five years or so. I have a very serious weight problem. In March of 2004 I finally got my shit together and lost a bunch of pounds (91 to be exact) and since last summer have proceeded to regain almost 25 pounds of it. It makes me totally bonkers about food, about exercise, about eating, about drinking, about darn near everything that I enjoy in life. And I don't mean it makes me crazy like a little annoyed about how I should be paying more attention to what's going in my mouth so I can drop the weight off again, but really Crazy with a capital C sometimes.
For lunch today, for instance, I was left with bringing the very last freezer lunch I had purchased at a much earlier and much hungrier time. I don't really want it now. In fact, it doesn't sound good at all. It's vegetarian chili with lime crema. I don't want that. What I want is pizza or sandwiches or soup or just about anything else. BUT, money is tight so I don't want to eat out and weigh in is tomorrow morning and I have to stay "on plan" so it's not skewed by a binge the day before (even though it will be up anyways because I totally bailed last week since I was bloated and had pigged out the day before last Friday).
This lack of options for a tasty lunch and being essentially trapped into eating something I really don't want makes me pissy, and that's probably being nice about how I am. On top of that, people at my work feel the need to talk about food all day long (today's selections discussed so far: cheesecake, peanut butter pie, rum cake, hot dogs, potato soup, and it's just past noon so who knows what delights the afternoon discussions will bring).
I feel a binge coming on and I'm trying to fight it just until tomorrow. Tomorrow we go out to dinner and then hang at the bar for the evening. I just need to make it to tomorrow and I can eat what I want, have some drinks, etc.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT. I WANT IT NOW! *kicks and screams*
Honestly, there have been times I've come close to a major crying breakdown hissy fit because something got screwed up with my food order or I felt a binge coming on. I have some very serious issues with food and my weight. It just all makes me crabby.
1 comment:
Wow, I really appreciated this post. You are justbrutally honest, and, I think, something that most of us can relate to in many forms....except that most of us never had the strength to lose 91 pounds! Rock on!
You know, when we watch someone else "in control" it always seems so easy...to us. I've had other friends lose weight, and it seems to me, the pounds just melted off of them, and they didn't have to work at it or make any sacrifices, and they have higher metabolism, and more time, and more money, etc. etc.
Hang in there. I know you're frustrated, but this really is an inspiring post.
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