Money, it's a gas

For the first time in a very long time, I find myself the sole head of household and a single mother again. It has come with many, many challenges that I am trying hard to work through, the reasons why I came to be this way again not withstanding. In the last month, the dryer has died, the vacuum cleaner has kicked the bucket, my daughter's glasses have broken and today, the lawnmower won't start. I bought a new vacuum yesterday that I really didn't have money for. I've been hanging my clothes on a clothesline outside for almost a month now because there isn't any money to either get the dryer fixed or buy a new one.

The dogs need their annual shots and checkup this month and I need refills on the mood stabilizing meds that allow me to live a semi-normal existance on a daily basis. Lovely. I rent my house here because I am not able to buy a house anymore. In fact, yesterday I had to put groceries and gas on a credit card, that I can't even really pay later and I don't have another paycheck for almost two weeks. It's a lifestyle that terrifies me daily. My parents have bought my daughter and I Thanksgiving plane tickets to visit, because it's so important for them and while that helps tremendously and I'm anxiously awaiting a respite from this life, I don't know where the money to pay the petsitter will come from.

This weekend I filled up the gas can for the (now broken, growl) lawnmower for the first time ever. Those who know me well know I have a bizarre but severe fear of blowing myself up. I would stand outside the house when the stove pilot light needed relit. I was in the house if the grill was being lit. This was a huge thing for me, dealing with gasoline in an open setting and having no idea what I was doing. Yeah, sounds friggin lame doesn't it? It was a big accomplishment for me.

I fixed my daughter's glasses with a stripped twistie tie from the grocery store. I can't afford to get her in for the initial checkup and new glasses right now, which I have to do because we are on a new insurance here. I can't start her orthodontic work for now either. And I can't go to the dentist myself even though my teeth and jaw hurt every day. There isn't enough money and so they will continue to cause me pain.

I'm not sure why I'm venting all this here because in the end, it just is something I have to deal with because it was the hand that was dealt to me. I won't even go into the terrifying possiblities I'm facing for incoming costs from my ex-husband for stuff he isn't able to and won't pay. I need my divorce and yet, I can't pay for it. Not really sure how that all works.

When you look at me on the financial top level, it doesn't seem it should be this bad. I seemingly make a salary that should cover things and eventually should, but coming out of a marriage and starting all over after my separation, an admittedly overspent last eight years of life and there just isn't anything left at the end of the week once the bills are paid. Not even groceries. It's making me sad and scared and crazy on a daily basis and yet, it is what it is. I must deal with things are the cards are played. I'll be better tomorrow, next week, next month, next year I keep telling myself, but it's hard to stay positive when you're staring imminent financial crisis in the face every day by yourself and trying not to let it show.