Twenty, twenty, twenty-four hours to go... I wanna be sedated

Sometimes I wish there was a partial lobotomy that would selectively eliminate all memories of a certain period of time. I'd do it in a heartbeat to forget entirely the last eight years.

You leave all that we were undone

I am feeling a little melancholy today. In spite of the warmth and sunny blue skies outside, I can feel fall starting to settle in. I feel like I should turn and look out of my window and it should be cool, cloudy and windy with the leaves blowing around and maybe a threat of rain. That's the feeling I have today. That blue funk that starts to settle in around the end of October.

These are the days where in happier past times, I would have begged my ex to stay home with me and play hooky from work. I would suggest we rent some cheesy horror flicks because it is almost Halloween after all, and we'd have lunch somewhere toasty and warm, and a bloody mary too probably. It was often Red Lobster, and while I'm not a big fan of the chain restaurant in general, the all you can eat soup (clam chowder), salad (ceasar with tiny shrimps) and cheddar biscuits just made me warm from the inside.

But now, even when I feel this way, I get up when the alarm goes off and get off to work. I spend the morning hoping maybe the office will be sick today, but they aren't so I spend the rest of the day hoping to avoid everyone. All I want is to cuddle up on the couch with a blanket and watch movies, and I want to do it with someone. It's a lonely time.

Things will move on. I will meet people. I will have people to play hooky with again. Life will go on. But right now, it's just a general dull ache for what used to be, and a deeper sadness knowing that it can't be that way again.

Money, it's a gas

For the first time in a very long time, I find myself the sole head of household and a single mother again. It has come with many, many challenges that I am trying hard to work through, the reasons why I came to be this way again not withstanding. In the last month, the dryer has died, the vacuum cleaner has kicked the bucket, my daughter's glasses have broken and today, the lawnmower won't start. I bought a new vacuum yesterday that I really didn't have money for. I've been hanging my clothes on a clothesline outside for almost a month now because there isn't any money to either get the dryer fixed or buy a new one.

The dogs need their annual shots and checkup this month and I need refills on the mood stabilizing meds that allow me to live a semi-normal existance on a daily basis. Lovely. I rent my house here because I am not able to buy a house anymore. In fact, yesterday I had to put groceries and gas on a credit card, that I can't even really pay later and I don't have another paycheck for almost two weeks. It's a lifestyle that terrifies me daily. My parents have bought my daughter and I Thanksgiving plane tickets to visit, because it's so important for them and while that helps tremendously and I'm anxiously awaiting a respite from this life, I don't know where the money to pay the petsitter will come from.

This weekend I filled up the gas can for the (now broken, growl) lawnmower for the first time ever. Those who know me well know I have a bizarre but severe fear of blowing myself up. I would stand outside the house when the stove pilot light needed relit. I was in the house if the grill was being lit. This was a huge thing for me, dealing with gasoline in an open setting and having no idea what I was doing. Yeah, sounds friggin lame doesn't it? It was a big accomplishment for me.

I fixed my daughter's glasses with a stripped twistie tie from the grocery store. I can't afford to get her in for the initial checkup and new glasses right now, which I have to do because we are on a new insurance here. I can't start her orthodontic work for now either. And I can't go to the dentist myself even though my teeth and jaw hurt every day. There isn't enough money and so they will continue to cause me pain.

I'm not sure why I'm venting all this here because in the end, it just is something I have to deal with because it was the hand that was dealt to me. I won't even go into the terrifying possiblities I'm facing for incoming costs from my ex-husband for stuff he isn't able to and won't pay. I need my divorce and yet, I can't pay for it. Not really sure how that all works.

When you look at me on the financial top level, it doesn't seem it should be this bad. I seemingly make a salary that should cover things and eventually should, but coming out of a marriage and starting all over after my separation, an admittedly overspent last eight years of life and there just isn't anything left at the end of the week once the bills are paid. Not even groceries. It's making me sad and scared and crazy on a daily basis and yet, it is what it is. I must deal with things are the cards are played. I'll be better tomorrow, next week, next month, next year I keep telling myself, but it's hard to stay positive when you're staring imminent financial crisis in the face every day by yourself and trying not to let it show.

Too cool for school

I'm in class right now! Things have changed so much since I was an undergrad. This whole laptops in class thing is mindboggling. The professors have to know no one is paying attention, right?

Let's meet contestant number 1. He's a schitzofrenic serial killer clown, who says women love his sexy smile

Oh my gosh, this single thing isn't bad at all. :)

About to head off for my date tonight. Man, I'm so nervous but it is pretty exciting to be back on "the scene" after eight years. I had forgotten how a first date makes you feel inside and it's a welcome change from the last year of my marriage. Dating also gives me another reason to kick my fat ass into shape again, which I might add is going smashingly so far. It's all in the attitude baby!

Right in time for my newly resurrected diet focused weight loss efforts, Starbucks is back with the pumpkin spice latte. A.K.A "liquid sin". Oh, yummmmmmmmmm.

Today was supposed to be my date, but I took a raincheck until next week because I caught a cold over the weekend and feel like a wreck. Nice way to hit a blind date, huh? All full of snot and sniffles. No way. I worried he might think I was bailing totally, but he didn't and even told me that he had to be honest and tell me that he had been really looking forward to meeting me. :) It is just starting to occur to me how long it's been, in spite of being married, since I've had a partner who treated me in a respectful and loving manner, said nice things just for the sake of being nice, treated me with kidness and compassion. Not looking for anything major at all these days, but even the small niceties are more appreciated in my new life.

Anyways, my brain seems to be kicking over into a very numb survival mode at the moment. My memory and concentration are just awful right now. I keep thinking of things to do or say during something else I'm doing or saying, but a moment later when I'm done I can't remember at all what they were. It's a little frustrating. I also am driving horribly, even though I'm totally paying attention. Conversations with others leave my mind drifting not to anything in particular, but then I snap back and realize that they are still talking and I have no idea what they said (apparently my face doesn't let on that no one is home though, weird). I think it's all part of this shell-shocked state I am in as I work through and process all of what has happened and what it means. It's like anything extraneous in life has to go out the window for now, I only have enough room for necessities.

I wrote my first paper towards my PhD this week and I think it's pretty good. The family is coming to visit this weekend, so it's been a nutty whirlwind of cleaning, yardwork, etc. My dryer is broken and I'm hanging clothes on the clothesline until dad gets here to fix it Friday, and yesterday my vacuum crapped out. Figures!